Modern guys, there comes a time when we ladies have to talk about lady things. This post is one of those times. I’m warning you now, LOOK AWAY. Or better yet, skip to this and discuss Brett Favre’s current state of employment.
There comes a time every year in which I’m lying on my back and internally debating whether or not I’m cheating on the Modern Beau as someone that is not him sticks their fingers in my girly bits* and cops a feel.
Yes, today was the annual visit to the gyno.
Having just moved to town, I’ve had to go through the whole process of finding new doctors to prod and poke me and ask me questions about my sex life which I’d have no problem answering if you were the ones to ask but when I’m sitting with that sweet/super-Southern/probably-goes-to-church-EVERY-morning nurse lady I feel a tremendous desire to edit my answers.
Finding a dentist is easy: I just shouted over my shoulder to my male colleague one day at work and he blurted out the name of his. Unfortunately he couldn’t give me the name of a good OBGYN. Guess he doesn’t like his much.
After scouring the phone books/internetz/brains of my lady friends I settled upon a particular OBGYN group located at the nearest hospital which had several female OBGYNs on staff. I demand a female gyno without having a real clear reason why although I think it’s the same reason my mom demands a female: “I don’t want to go to someone who doesn’t know what it feels like to have that thing stuck up your you-know-what.” Yep.
Of course none of the doctors except the just-graduated one were accepting new non-pregnant patients (should I be offended by that?). Fine, I’ll take the new one. I just need my pap done ASAP so I can get a BC refill and be on my merry way.
I’ve been to three other OBGYNs in my time thanks to all my relocations, and here’s how I rank them: No. 1, The one who put toe socks on the stirrups; No. 2, The one who put a beach-scene poster on the ceiling of the exam room; Last place, That other one who did neither.
This new one had neither the socks nor the poster and was running very, very late, which left me sitting in my paper vest and blankie in the cold, cold exam room for something like 25 minutes. Do you know what kind of extistential conversations you have with yourself while wearing pieces of paper staring at a pile of spectrums, swabs, lube and other things that are constantly reminding you what’s about to happen?
Here’s where I ask you to discuss. What goes through your brain when you go for your annual pap? What do you find amusing/disgusting/uncomfortable/weird/pleasant about a trip to the gyno? (Also curious what it’s like to go in as a patient that’s with child, so anyone who can enlighten, please do).
My internal dialogue today covered the topics of: my diminishing desire to have kid(s) as I get older and whether that desire will ever rebound; the past, present and future of my sexual health; my relationship with my mother; whether I’m happy with my current state of affairs; and whether I’m going to use the money my dad gave me for my birthday for a facial or a new bike. There you have it. All in 25 minutes.
And my new doc turned out to be pretty good, giving me the best demonstration/description I’ve ever heard of how one should conduct a boob exam. I guess I just need to bring her a pair of these now.
*I’m stealing that from Jen Lancaster. I’m not afraid to say vag or vagina, I’m just trying not to scare the modern guys who did not immediately heed my warning.
More often than not my inner dialouge while sitting in any exam room is:
Damn I have terrible posture without a back rest…How am I supposed to read while sitting here without a back rest…this is so uncomfortable…and now my next hurts, great, gotta go back to the chiropractor…where I will sit in an exam room with no backrest and be uncomfortable…are my shoulders really that rounded, or is just that I have no backrest.
I tend to harp on particular things, such as no backrest.
I think I may one of the few women who don’t mind trips to the gyno. It’s no where near fun or pleasurable, but I just don’t dread it. I’m in, out and done. (That’s what she said!)
I guess the only part I hate is the extra KY Jelly when she’s done. Ew. Oh! And I’m always nervous that the doctor will come back before I have my gown on.
I got stuck waiting for 45 minutes last time I had to go. And like Jenn, I don’t mind that much, but the waiting sucks, and so does the goo. That being said, I think I’m also the only person who gets a dual cavity exam.
Being all English and things we get NHS screening once every 5 years unless abnormal results are found…which touch wood they haven’t been with me so far.
Luckily i can couple mine with one of my annual BC refills when they nag me that i should have one and Bob is, as they say, your uncle
usually when i’m waiting i wonder why it’s always hotter in waiting rooms than it needs to be, because they have a ticket system so you don’t actually get to go into the exam room until there’s someone there to see you.
trip to the gyno no big deal, in fact I would rather do that weekly than go to the dentist um ever, I hate dentists!
As far as being with child you go so frequently 'ya tend not to notice the poking & proding every visit. I got so densensitized my MIL just stayed in the room during exams and hell giving birth my room was the party room MIL, SIL, 2 nieces and my hubs cherring on the whole process
Call me crazy but I don’t find the gyno to be a scary place. I had friends who hated it – absolutely feared it. I have been to both male and female. Whoever is easier to get into (doc vs. nurse practicioner) I take.
I’m with overly trite. Vag over teeth.
Good lord I hate going to the gyno. I have to almost drink before going so I actually pretend like I don’t mind paying a co-pay for a doctor to go to 3rd base with me.
I try to take deep breaths and take my mind somewhere else. then I go home, hide under the covers and eat ice cream so the horrific images go away.
as some of the ladies have mentioned prior to my comment i don’t really mind it either.
wham, bam, thank you ma’am
Yea, I don’t mind either male vs. female gyno. But I DO hate waiting.
I went to family planning for years (cheap, with no health insurance). But even THEY freaked out on me about sexual history (I checked two boxes) and birth control practices (uh, none?). I know, bad. I mean, if I came in with 12 different diseases, then give me a lecture.
But the room posters at FP were always hilarious. I think one was a pink elephant, emphasis on “something heavy on your mind.” WTF does that have to do with my vag?
I am still fascinated by the medical diagrams. I get up and start playing with shit, but then jump onto the table when I hear the door knock. I always wondered if they had cameras.
Last time, I got the smoking over 30 while being on The Pill lecture and “you know, you’re very close to 35…” Not fun.
I do hate the “you’re not getting any younger” speech about making decisions about procreation. That’s what I dread more than anything — I think my husband dreads it too b/c I go home in a panic about my ticking clock.
I actually prefer having a male ob/gyn. I’ve had two female ones and both very much acted like “we have the same parts so this is no big deal”. My male doc has a certain gentle reverence to him. Like – “I don’t get this, it’s probably horrifying, I’m going to be as calm and kind as possible.”
I do really hate the flop sweat wearing a paper gown seems to trigger. Does anyone else get that?
That link that says “a pair of these” came a little too soon after you mentioned boobs. All I’m saying is I was a little confused about the socks at first.
And oh yes- I read. There’s no better way to get somebody to do something than to tell them not to do it. It’s stuff like this that makes me glad I’m a dude.
Oh, man. I wish I had the “no problem” attitude of some of your commenters, but that annual visit is the worst day of the year for me. I seriously dread it all. Year. Long.
While I’m waiting for the doctor, I mainly concentrate on keeping myself conscious. I tend to pass out and have done so during the exam on several occasions. Fun!
The last doctor I went to was my favorite. She (always a woman!) told me before the exam that she knows how it feels and knows how much the patient wants it to be over, so she works really fast. I appreciated that.
Oh, man. I wish I had the “no problem” attitude of some of your commenters, but that annual visit is the worst day of the year for me. I seriously dread it all. Year. Long.
While I’m waiting for the doctor, I mainly concentrate on keeping myself conscious. I tend to pass out and have done so during the exam on several occasions. Fun!
The last doctor I went to was my favorite. She (always a woman!) told me before the exam that she knows how it feels and knows how much the patient wants it to be over, so she works really fast. I appreciated that.
Dutchess: Now that you mention it, I remember telling myself to sit up straight while I was sitting on the table and then noting how uncomfortable that was.
Jenn: Ew is right. This doctor I went to had a fancy “push this button when you’re ready for me to come in” system. Unfortunately, that’s when it took her 25 mins. to show up.
Noelle: Seriously, just get in and get it over with and I wouldn’t be so traumatized.
LizSara: That’s the best argument for a national health system if I’ve ever heard one (except maybe that I hate paying for insurance).
Overly Trite: I figured there would be a desensitization when you have to go so often. I had the same experience when I had braces … the dentist became more of an old friend then rather than someone who stressed me out.
Allison: Can you bottle up that emotion and send it this way?
Bayjb: I always tell my boyfriend he’s not getting sex that night because I’ve already had my fill for the day. Does that make us patrons of prostitution in a way?
Alexa: You’re my hero.
Mel: I hate all the blown-up black-and-white photos of babies. I want to yell at them “stop staring at me, ya twits!”
Allie: I still cannot believe they give you that! That would be enough to make me switch to a new one.
Mickey: Perhaps it was intentional 🙂 And I knew that if any dude was going to read and comment, it would be you.
Courtney: Wow, pass out? I feel a little bit better now.
I’ve had a scary experience and my internal dialogue includes deal-making with my higher power, please don’t let them find any tumors or have to do surgery. Please no mention of the “C” word, things like that. If I just get a report of “negative” I’m thrilled. Who would have ever thought they would be happy to be labeled “negative”? 😉
The entire time I’m waiting for the doctor is usually spent convincing myself I’m pregnant. No matter what – just being in that office makes me feel knocked up.